Mummers

My mom was diagnosed with Lymphoma in 1996. Since that diagnosis, she has had a blood test every six months following a watch and wait plan. It’s been a good plan, 22 years without treatment or illness. I have been incredibly lucky to have had so much time with my mom, who is also my best friend.

But, this last blood test result was not a good one. I can’t be more specific because I didn’t go with her to this appointment, expecting the results to be like all other results before, positive. All I know at this point is that her doctor is very worried, something about kidneys, a CAT scan and second blood test. My mom, being my mom, decided to put the tests off until after Thanksgiving.

We are in a state of limbo, but it feels like the shit is about to hit the fan.

I’ve been thinking a lot about alcohol these past two weeks. I think I have finally figured out why it is so appealing to the vast majority of us. It  provides a reprieve from thought, a temporary state of numbness.

I have been trying to come up with another way to relieve this overwhelming sense of sadness without giving up my sobriety. And I have come to this conclusion.

I am just going to have to feel it, all of it. There is no escape from this kind of pain.