Quitting drinking is the ultimate act of self care. After all, what is self care if not self love.

My very first act of self care was to begin a yoga. For me, yoga is much more than a practice, it’s a guide to living well. It’s learning to be in this world without a constant feeling of restlessness and need. It’s taking care of myself and of others. It’s learning to be less judgmental. Yoga is healing me.

I have become a connoisseur of tea.  My favorite at the moment is Rose. Tea is good for your health, it tastes delicious, and it won’t make me behave like an asshole.

I became a voracious reader. I no longer waste my time watching ridiculous television programs while downing a bottle of wine. And if I do watch T.V. I remember what I watched. There are so many amazing stories to read and I can never run out.

Bathing is very healing. I will pour in some Epson salts and lavender or rose oil. Sometimes some pink Himalayan bath salts.  Light a candle. Maybe even give myself a little facial. I feel like I’m at a spa. Oh, and of course have tea.

The gift of a good nights sleep. One of my favorite feelings in the word is lying down at the end of a full day.  I feel such gratitude in the moments before sleep, for this beautiful life with my family.  Knowing that will never feel shame because of alcohol again. That I will wake up feeling healthy and rested.

Welcoming the day. I have a morning routine that I look forward to. After a glass of water, I very much enjoy my morning coffee with cocoa powder, cinnamon, coconut milk  and maple syrup. I started drinking it this way for a cleanse and now I love it. Every morning, I sit on my couch and write in my journal. I make sure I have a full forty minutes to myself before I need to shower and get to work. Kitty purrs on the couch next to me while I write and I intermittently look out the window at the birds. Bliss.

A morning shower to start the day. Before I get into the shower I dry brush. There are all kinds of purported benefits, but mainly it just feels really good. I turn on the shower and add a couple of drops of peppermint or eucalyptus oil to the shower. I oil pull while showering (my teeth have gotten whiter), and give myself a quick oil massage. This routine feels amazing and doesn’t take long at all.

I try to eat healthy throughout the day. I start off with a smoothie of some sort, green or berry. Steel cut oats or a hard boiled egg. I make the oats ahead of time and store them in the fridge in mason jars. Easy Peasy.

I spend time in nature. Being outside helps me feel connected. I love the woods, the beach, my backyard. Being in or near the ocean is the ultimate act of self care for me.

Practicing gratitude daily.  Being free from alcohol has completely changed my mood. Sure, I have bad days. But, I have to say that I have them a lot less often now that I don’t drink. I have less anxiety, less anger, less judgement. What I feel inside now is hard to put into words without sounding corny.  I feel more at peace with myself and the world. I feel incredibly grateful for this life and my part in it.

I am ten months sober. 308 days to be exact.  What I feel mostly these days is a whole lot of gratitude.  You hear a lot about the pink cloud when you first get sober. It’s when you feel ecstatic in your sobriety, grateful for everything,  noticing all the ways in which life is well.. beautiful.

I find myself on that cloud a lot. Hopping on and off intermittently.  I’m not constantly walking around with a grin on my face, but I am consistently in a better mood, less anxious and more myself.

Recently, my family and I went to Washington D.C. for my brother in laws fiftieth surprise party.

One of the highlights for me was scooting around D.C. with my husband and son. We could only get two scooters, so I rode on the back with my husband for most of it, balancing mostly on one foot. We saw so much, but to be honest it was being outside and riding around on the scooter that was the most fun. I felt like a kid again.

Later, we’d meet back at the hotel. Usually, everyone would be back by five because they had free drinks from five to seven. In the past, this might have been hard for me. But it wasn’t. Mostly I felt really lucky that I did not need or want to drink. When questioned, I would reply that I’m happier without it. And I meant it.

We played manhunt in the hotel, kids against adults. The management was not happy. At one point we heard one of the staff say into his walkie talkie, “they’re everywhere!”

I fully enjoyed and remember every moment of it.  And best of all, I woke up every day feeling great. When I go to bed at night, I feel so grateful to be sober. And when I wake up in the morning, I feel so grateful to be sober.

There are so many amazing things about being free from alcohol. It is impossible to convey it properly. There are the really huge things, like better health. But there are so many little things too. What I feel most often in my sobriety it gratitude. Grateful to always be myself, to never feel shame, to never willingly make myself sick. Grateful to notice all the little joys and to fill my life up with beautiful moments.

When I think about how much my life has changed in such a short amount of time, it is astounding to me. The only change that has ever been bigger is motherhood, And that’s a whole other ball of wax.

I am finally feeling like myself again. I haven’t been true to myself in years. It’s like I’ve been wandering around lost, looking for the right path.

I have always had an exuberance for life, but when I was drinking, it looked and felt like restlessness. I was so rarely at ease with myself.

The real reason, I think, is that I just didn’t like myself. I had so much guilt and shame, all the time. Even if it was just the thought, I shouldn’t have had that third glass of wine, I still felt shitty about myself.

Sometimes the old me comes back to remind me of all the stupid things I’ve done in the past while drinking. Last night, was the first night in a long time I could not  sleep because I was having anxious thoughts, going all the way back to my teens.

Alcohol has put me in so many dangerous situations, No! I have put myself in so many dangerous situations because I was drinking alcohol. The drinking me was not really me. It was some insecure selfish version of me.

I am so, so, grateful to be free from booze. I don’t look back on drunk times and remember them fondly. Alcohol always left me feeling vulnerable. It always took away my self-respect.

I want to feel proud of myself, but that is such a foreign concept to me.  I’ve rarely, if ever, felt proud of myself.

I have plenty to feel good about, I’ve done a lot of things right. But, I’ve been tearing myself down for so long. And it’s going to take a long time to build myself up again.

I have a wonderful life. I’ve given myself the gift of a fresh start. I was going to say a new chapter, but really it’s a new book.  The main character has changed.

I’m me, I’ve always been me. But, forgiveness is long over do. The only person who can build me up, is me.  I thought someone else could do it. All these years, I’ve been relying on other people for my self-esteem. How stupid.

Last night I had a dream about alcohol. Not unusual. In the dream my husband offered me a sip of his alcoholic drink. I was so pissed at him. I said, “you think I’m going to throw away eight months of sobriety for a sip of a root beer flavored booze, if I want to taste root beer, I’ll just have a fucking root beer.”

When I told my husband about the dream he said he didn’t really understand why having a sip of alcohol would be throwing away my sobriety. My husband is one of those unusual people who can easily have one or two beers on occasion and never have the desire for more.

If I had a sip of alcohol it would not send me into a downward spiral of drunkenness, but I would no longer consider myself alcohol free. I would have to start over

Thing is, I have no desire. I see booze for what it is because I no longer romanticize it and attach stories to it. Alcohol is a sedative. The reason you feel buzzy and more sociable is because the alcohol is sedating a part of your brain called the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex helps control our impulses and behavior.  Keep drinking and it will sedate other parts of your brain affecting your motor control. Eventually, as you begin to feel tired, your ability to stay conscious is diminishing. You are not really falling asleep, your passing out.

Some people believe they sleep better after a few drinks.  The truth is you are not entering naturally into sleep, it is more like a form of anesthesia.  In the book Why We Sleep Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams by Mathew Walker, PHD, it states, “alcohol fragments sleep, littering the night with brief awakenings. Alcohol is one of the most powerful suppressors of REM sleep that we know of, it’s rather like the cerebral version of cardiac arrest preventing the pulsating beat of brainwaves that otherwise power dream sleep.”

I always felt tired when I was drinking. Alcohol not only negatively affects your sleep, it also dehydrates you. An energy sucking combo. Whenever I drank, I would always wake up around 2:00 a.m. feeling wide awake and thirsty. Sometimes I would even dream of big pitchers of cool aid. I still keep a glass of water by my bed, but it is rarely touched by morning.

Now that I am fully aware of what alcohol does to my brain, not to mention the rest of the body, I just don’t feel the same about it. We need to wake up as a society and acknowledge that alcohol is a harmful drug that has harmful effects on our bodies and brain.

I hate the word alcoholic. It conjures up images of a person passed out in an alley with a bottle in his hand.  I have a hard time with the concept that a person is born addicted to alcohol. That it is a disease. If a person becomes addicted to cigarettes or cocaine do they have a disease? Were they born addicted to cigarettes? I would be willing to concede that some people are born with a personality more inclined towards addiction. However, it seems to me that if a person regularly partakes in an addictive substance, they are likely to become addicted to that substance.

Sobriety is stigmatized because society loves their booze. It is much easier to believe that “some people” have a problem than to admit that alcohol is a addictive drug. We don’t want to hear that it is a carcinogen and can cause cancer. We want to believe that the resveratrol in red wine is the new health elixir. That the hops in beer are good for us. We never call alcohol what it is, because it is hard to romanticize an addictive drug.

A nice cold beer, good red wine, adult drinks, cordials, Prosecco. Try this, replace “I would love a nice chilled glass of Rose with I would love a nice chilled glass of booze.”  Doesn’t quite have the same ring. We have been brainwashed and alcohol companies are making billions.

Before I became free from alcohol, the question of whether or not I was going to drink or how much I was going to drink was a conversation I had regularly with myself. On the way home from work, I would think, “should I stop and get a bottle of wine?” Or out to dinner, “should I have another glass.”

It’s challenging to moderate when you are anesthetizing your brain. After two drinks, your inhibitions are failing and the ability to make a good decisions is fading. That’s why so many of us find it hard to stop after a couple of drinks.

Even if I did manage drink moderately, I would still feel mildly crappy. Knowing I willingly made myself a little bit sick.

Repeating this pattern over and over again for years had a lot of negative effects, loss of time, loss of health, loss of money. But, the biggest most significant loss was the loss of my self-respect.

I had my last drink was in April 2018 while vacationing in Barbados. I was already feeling disenchanted alcohol, but I continued to imbibe. I’m not sure why, maybe out of habit or because I was on vacation. It felt like everyone around me was drinking. We were at this beautiful beach where I  watched people order buckets of beers, do shots and stumble around.

Two woman were in the water with their drinks when a wave came up and knocked one of them over. She managed to hold the drink up in the air and not spill it. The woman was laughing hysterically saying, “I didn’t lose my drink,” which was funny, except that she kept repeating herself over and over, getting louder and louder.

I swam away.

On the same vacation, I was drinking my third glass of wine of the night, while watching my son swim in the pool. It was a perfect night, beautiful and warm. And I thought why I am I drinking this, I don’t even want it. So, I tossed the wine in the bushes.

When I got home from vacation, I tried to think of a way I could stop drinking and stay sober.  I knew I needed accountability. So, I pledged to quit booze for one year and donate the projected money I would save to a local hospice on Facebook.

It’s much harder to change your mind and go back to drinking, if you have told a lot of people that you are going to quit for a year.

I was going to title this, some things that helped me give up alcohol. But, this journey is not about giving something up. I feel very strongly that if I held onto to the mindset that I am giving something up, I would never be free.

I had to completely change the way I viewed drinking alcohol. It would relax and numb me out briefly, but then I would be chasing that feeling for the rest of night. Drinking alcohol gave me approximately twenty minutes of pleasure before I was either trying to moderate or drinking too much. Then, if I drank too much, I would feel sick, guilty, hungover and sleep deprived. If I tried to moderate, I would just feel deprived.

Here are some of the things that helped me to stop drinking:

Change the way I view alcohol. Alcohol is a poisonous addictive drug. It can increase your risk of developing cancer. It negatively effects sleep, slows down motor control causing slurring and imbalance, takes away inhibitions, and causes illness.

Accountability. This is huge!! I posted on Facebook and made a pledge not to drink for one year. There are many ways to hold yourself accountable, you need to find a way that is good for you. Also, telling my son was important because I want to be the best role model I can be and to teach him that a life without alcohol can be beautiful.

Books. I read voraciously. Quit lit, fiction, non-fiction, self-help, you name it. Some books that have helped me on this journey are: Nothing Good Can Come from This by Kristi Coulter, Why We Sleep Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams by Mathew Walker, PhD,  The Sober Diaries How One Woman stopped drinking and Started Living by Clare Pooley,  Kick the Drink Easily by Jason Vale,  Stop Drinking Now by Allen Carr, Perfectly Imperfect The Art and Soul of Yoga Practice by Baron Baptiste, The Power of Meaning Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed with Happiness by Emily Esfahani Smith, Hardwiring Happiness by Rick Hanson, PhD, and Big Magic Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Yoga. Yoga has helped me heal. In the beginning when the teacher would ask the class to set their intention, mine was always to heal. Yoga is not about touching your toes, it teaches you to make a mind body connection. It helped me feel strong, to get out of my own head and connect with my breath.

Moving my body. Yoga might not be for you. Do whatever exercise makes you feel good. Walk, run, hike, swim, bike, or try Zumba. Replacing booze with exercise is a win win.

Getting outside. I feel so much better when I am in nature. Even if it’s really cold, just stepping outside for a few minutes and listening to the sounds around me is peaceful. Going for a long walk, even better.

Trying new things. I have tried ring making, pottery, Thai massage, sound healing, traveling, writing a blog, restorative yoga, and guitar to name a few.

Rest. It takes a long time to heal from the negative effects that alcohol has on the body. Be kind to yourself and take rest when you need it.

Self-care. I have become a self-care, wellness fanatic. Some of my favorite ways to practice self- care are baths with Epson salts and essential oils, drinking tea, juicing, writing in my journal, dry brushing, massages, and all forms of restorative yoga.

Mindfulness. I have tried different apps, yoga workshops and reiki. I love them all. It depends on my mood. But really you can practice mindfulness anytime, focusing on the sounds around you.

Treats. I have saved a lot of money on booze and I regularly treat myself. Massages, fancy teas, cupcakes, workshops, classes, books, really good chocolate, clothes, and travel.

Forgiveness. I had to forgive the girl/woman I was. I do not believe we need to apologize to every person we ever hurt while we were drinking, but we most definitely need to forgive ourselves.

Getting Help. There is a huge non-drinking community on line. People are waking up to the fact that alcohol is really bad for us. Hip Sobriety, Sober School, One Year No Beer and Soberistas are just a few that have really helped me.

Last night, I went to my high school reunion. And I have to say that I have never in my life been so grateful for my sobriety.

Everyone there was going through something, a break up, a divorce, loss of a parent, cancer. I listened. I heard the pain in their voices. And I watched as each person tried to bury their pain with alcohol.

I left early.

Driving home, I felt safe. I didn’t have to worry about being pulled over. I didn’t have to worry about feeling sick or acting like as asshole in front of my family.

When I got home my husband and son were watching a movie on the couch downstairs. I made myself some tea, wrote in my journal and went to bed. I thought about how hungover all those people at the reunion were going to feel the next day.

An overwhelming sense of relief washed over me, I no longer have to drink alcohol.

My mom was diagnosed with Lymphoma in 1996. Since that diagnosis, she has had a blood test every six months following a watch and wait plan. It’s been a good plan, 22 years without treatment or illness. I have been incredibly lucky to have had so much time with my mom, who is also my best friend.

But, this last blood test result was not a good one. I can’t be more specific because I didn’t go with her to this appointment, expecting the results to be like all other results before, positive. All I know at this point is that her doctor is very worried, something about kidneys, a CAT scan and second blood test. My mom, being my mom, decided to put the tests off until after Thanksgiving.

We are in a state of limbo, but it feels like the shit is about to hit the fan.

I’ve been thinking a lot about alcohol these past two weeks. I think I have finally figured out why it is so appealing to the vast majority of us. It  provides a reprieve from thought, a temporary state of numbness.

I have been trying to come up with another way to relieve this overwhelming sense of sadness without giving up my sobriety. And I have come to this conclusion.

I am just going to have to feel it, all of it. There is no escape from this kind of pain.

I didn’t come to sobriety through a recovery program. I came to sobriety because I was tired of repeating the same negative patterns over and over again. And once I arrived, I knew in my gut that if I started drinking again all the positive benefits I had gained would disappear.

In the beginning, I read a lot articles about people giving up the booze for a specified amount of time. I loved reading about the many benefits of giving up alcohol – better sleep, more energy, better relationships, a more productive and active lifestyle. In short, their lives were exponentially better without the booze. But, what I found amazingly frustrating was that once the specified amount of time was up, almost every person, in every article I read, said they would drink again.

What? Why?

Alcohol has that big of a hold on us as a society. Can you imagine someone telling you that they stopped eating apples and they lost weight, got clearer skin, slept better, reduced their risk of cancer, had more energy, and were more productive at work. But they were going to start eating apples again when the six months was up.

Why do we drink alcohol when there are so many obvious benefits to living a life free from it?

So far, I have travelled sober, maintained a steady yoga practice, been certified in Reiki, done a cleanse, started a blog, took a ceramics class, made my own ring, read umpteen books, became a consultant for a clean skincare company, hiked and walked all over the place, taken a sound healing workshop, started juicing and became a teetotaler. And I’m just getting started.

Will I go back to alcohol when my pledge of one year with no alcohol is up?

Hell no