Remembering

Last December around the time of my son’s 15th birthday, I found out my mom’s cancer was progressing and that she might need treatment.

For his birthday, my son wanted to go away with a friend somewhere fun with a pool. It was about a two hour car ride to the hotel, but it was the longest car ride I ever remember having.

I was obsessing for the entire drive about not being able to have a glass of wine (or three) when we arrived. I found myself scheming ways I might somehow sneak it without my son knowing. I kept thinking,  screw this whole thing, I’m going to start drinking again, I don’t care. Those same thoughts played over and over…

At dinner, the desire has lessened significantly. My husband ordered a beer not knowing how hard I was struggling. All around me people were drinking. I ordered tea. When the boys left to go swim at the hotel, my husband and I stayed. We talked a lot about my mom and what might be coming down the road. I cried right there in the restaurant. But I didn’t drink. I could not bear to let my son down. More than that, I could not bear to let myself down.

The next day, I told my husband how much I was struggling. That night he ordered ginger ale.

I’m telling this story because at that time in my sobriety I thought my desire to drink was gone, but old patterns can pop up when you least expect it. It takes time to rewire the brain.

I had been complacent. I had stopped reading about sobriety and had stepped away from the community that was helping me.

My advice, don’t be complacent. But more importantly, don’t be hard on yourself if you do have a urge to drink. Do something else for an hour or two…however long it takes. Go for a walk, take a bath, read a book, whatever you need to do until l the feeling passes.

It will pass.

Since December, I have not had another moment like that one, but I am now more diligent about the process. This Sunday marks one year. And it’s been the best year of my life.

10 thoughts on “Remembering

  1. Hope your mom is okay. Great reminder, and I am definitely in agreement that one can’t get complacent nor cocky about it… definitely the urge can sneak up and worse, one really can think that “one glass (or night) won’t hurt… I can moderate… etc.” well, that’s what happened for me after nearly five months, anyway. And here I am again. But this time with a community! (Last time I did it on my own.) For me the community is key. I actually nearly emailed you, this time around, and asked you to be my sponsor equivalent… ;))
    Happy one year soberversary (Sunday past or coming up soon?) and thanks for your blog 🎶🎉🙌💕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Such inspiring posts! Thank you for sharing your journey. You are deserving and worthy of sobriety. I am coming up on 2 years and I am beyond grateful. So happy to walk alongside you 🙂

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  3. I had someone recommend your blog to me and I’m glad I stopped by to read. I was about 99 days into sobriety and was feeling really confident and good about myself and then my mind played a trick on me. I assumed I wasn’t an alcoholic and that I could drink just like a normal person and now I’m back to fighting to stop. I don’t like it, but it was a bit of comfort to come read this post and realize that it’s okay to feel like giving in…it’s normal to want to. But I am glad to read that there is a way out and it’s good to see someone fight off the temptation. Thank you for sharing and I am now following your blog.

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    1. You’re welcome, so glad if it helped. Sober blogs and quit lit we’re my saving grace when I was starting this sober journey… and they still are. The beautiful thing is, you can begin again.

      Liked by 1 person

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