Forgiveness

When I think about how much my life has changed in such a short amount of time, it is astounding to me. The only change that has ever been bigger is motherhood, And that’s a whole other ball of wax.

I am finally feeling like myself again. I haven’t been true to myself in years. It’s like I’ve been wandering around lost, looking for the right path.

I have always had an exuberance for life, but when I was drinking, it looked and felt like restlessness. I was so rarely at ease with myself.

The real reason, I think, is that I just didn’t like myself. I had so much guilt and shame, all the time. Even if it was just the thought, I shouldn’t have had that third glass of wine, I still felt shitty about myself.

Sometimes the old me comes back to remind me of all the stupid things I’ve done in the past while drinking. Last night, was the first night in a long time I could not  sleep because I was having anxious thoughts, going all the way back to my teens.

Alcohol has put me in so many dangerous situations, No! I have put myself in so many dangerous situations because I was drinking alcohol. The drinking me was not really me. It was some insecure selfish version of me.

I am so, so, grateful to be free from booze. I don’t look back on drunk times and remember them fondly. Alcohol always left me feeling vulnerable. It always took away my self-respect.

I want to feel proud of myself, but that is such a foreign concept to me.  I’ve rarely, if ever, felt proud of myself.

I have plenty to feel good about, I’ve done a lot of things right. But, I’ve been tearing myself down for so long. And it’s going to take a long time to build myself up again.

I have a wonderful life. I’ve given myself the gift of a fresh start. I was going to say a new chapter, but really it’s a new book.  The main character has changed.

I’m me, I’ve always been me. But, forgiveness is long over do. The only person who can build me up, is me.  I thought someone else could do it. All these years, I’ve been relying on other people for my self-esteem. How stupid.